Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a replacement for expert medical or mental health advice. If your loved one is struggling with alcohol use disorder, contact a licensed clinician to understand what the next steps can be. If they are experiencing withdrawal symptoms or if you feel you and others around you are in danger, call 9-1-1 (U.S.) right away.
If you are wondering how to help someone with an alcohol use disorder, you must first begin by knowing you cannot prevent them from drinking on your own. However, you can encourage them toward seeking the care they need and deserve by creating a safe, supportive environment where they can open up with you, knowing they can trust you. At the same time, you must also hold your boundaries so that it does not get overwhelming for you and your mental health either.
Signs Your Loved One May Have a Drinking Problem
Common signs your loved one may struggle with alcohol are:
- Drinking more frequently and longer than they intended
- Hiding bottles, lying about how much they drink, or drinking in secret
- Missing school, work, or family events because of drinking or recovering from it
- Nausea, shaking, or sweating when they go without a drink
- Trying to cut back and not being able to
Only a trained clinician can diagnose alcohol use disorder, which the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) describes as a medical condition. But these are some signs you can look out for.
You Do Not Have To Do This On Your Own
If your loved one is struggling with alcohol, you do not have to figure everything out on your own. You can speak with the Create Recovery Center’s team, who will understand what your loved one is going through and suggest practical next steps you can take toward their recovery.
Call (855) 600-4420
How to Talk to Someone About Their Drinking?
Pick the Right Time and Setting
Choose a moment when your loved one is sober, rested, and not in the middle of an argument. Find a private spot where nobody is rushed. Avoid raising it in front of children, relatives, or friends.
Use “I” Statements
“You always” and “you never” make the other person defensive. “I” statements describe what you have seen and how you feel, without attacking. You can stick to specific events, like a missed dinner, rather than broad claims about their character.
Here is a sample script you can use:
“You know I love you, and there is something difficult that I want to say. Over the last few months, you have been drinking most nights, and I missed you at the <event>. I am worried about your health and about us. I am not here to fight. Would you be willing to talk to someone about it? I will help you find the right person, and I will sit with you while you make the call.”
If they respond with denial or even anger, this is common. You do not need to win the argument. End the talk with something like, “I hear you. I am still worried, and I am here when you want to talk.” Then try again on another day. Every conversation is a seed you plant.
What Not to Say to an Alcoholic
Some phrases feel true in the moment but push people away. Try to avoid these:
- Labels: Calling someone “a drunk” or even an “alcoholic” attaches shame to the person instead of naming the behavior. Say “your drinking” instead.
- Guilting and Comparisons: “If you loved the kids, you’d stop” or “Be more like so and so” usually brings defensiveness, not change.
- Threats: Ultimatums like “I’ll leave if you drink again” are threats, especially when you may not keep them. They can create a hostile environment instead of a supportive one.
- Conversations When They Are Drinking: Someone who is intoxicated cannot take in or remember what you say. Wait until they are sober.
Instead of “Why can you not just stop?”, try “What can make this easier for you?” A question like that invites an answer rather than a fight.
Helping vs Enabling
Enabling vs helping comes down to one question: does this action protect your loved one from the consequences of drinking, or does it gently nudge them toward change? Love for the person can drive both, but there is a difference:
| Helping | Enabling |
|---|---|
| Telling the truth regarding how their drinking affects you | Making excuses to their boss, family, or friends |
| Letting them face the outcomes, such as a missed shift or a bad morning | Calling in sick for them or cleaning up after them |
| Paying a part of the treatment directly to the provider | Handing over cash with no say in how it is spent |
| Offering a ride to an appointment | Buying alcohol or drinking with them just to keep the peace at home |
| Reinforcing steps toward change, even small ones | Taking over their responsibilities for them |
| Setting a boundary and following through | Setting a boundary and dropping it when they push back |
Safety is never the same as enabling. If you fear for the safety of your loved one or even yourself, call 9-1-1 (U.S.) right away.
What to Do If They Refuse Help
Adults make their own decisions about treatment, and in most cases you cannot make that decision for them. A “no” today does not immediately translate to a “no tomorrow”. There is still a lot you can do.
Try the CRAFT Approach
CRAFT stands for Community Reinforcement and Family Training. It teaches family members to communicate in positive ways, reward time when their loved one is not drinking, step back from arguments, and suggest treatment at a good moment.
One study indicated that 62% of those in the full CRAFT program version saw their loved one enter treatment. Outcomes will obviously vary from family to family, and nothing guarantees an outcome. A therapist trained in CRAFT can teach you these skills.
Set Boundaries You Can Keep
A boundary describes what you will do, not what they must do. A few examples:
- “I will not get in a car with you if you have been drinking.”
- “I will not lend money for your drinking.”
- “I will not tolerate drinking in front of the children.”
- “I will leave the room when you are intoxicated, and we can speak when you are sober.”
Only set a boundary you are prepared to keep. One you keep teaches more than several you abandon.
Find Community Through Al-Anon
Al-Anon Family Groups hold meetings for relatives and friends of those who drink too much, and the groups have no dues or fees. Many members find that hearing from others in similar positions lowers shame and isolation. You can go whether or not your loved one is in treatment.
Do Not Compromise On Your Safety
If you ever feel unsafe at home or fear for your children (other dependents), call 9-1-1 right away.
How to Get Them to Agree to Treatment
Many hesitate to go for treatment as they fear losing their job or leaving home. Outpatient care can remove that barrier. Create Recovery Center is an outpatient treatment center in Los Angeles for adults with substance use, mental health conditions, or both (dual diagnosis). Your loved one can attend treatment during scheduled hours and then come back to you at home in the evening.
Create Recovery offers a partial hospitalization program (PHP), which runs 6 to 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. We also offer an intensive outpatient program (IOP) of 9 to 15 hours a week, and an evening IOP for those who have to study or work, or are otherwise busy during the day.
Please Note: If your loved one is experiencing alcohol withdrawal, cutting back or stopping alcohol use right away can be dangerous. They may need medically supervised detox before beginning treatment with us. In this case, we refer and coordinate with trusted detox providers to make this journey easier for you.
Focusing On the Next Step
You cannot make someone stop, so aim for the next small step instead. Ask for one phone call or one assessment, not a lifetime’s worth of promise to stop drinking. Offer to sit with them while they call. A small request is easier to say yes to than a big one.
You Can Call Ahead As Well
You do not have to wait for a yes. You can call first, ask questions, and learn how treatment works, so that when your loved one is ready, nothing stands in the way.
How to Support Someone In Recovery?
Once your loved one begins treatment, your role shifts from persuading to encouraging. You can become the shoulder they rely on without becoming overwhelmed yourself. Create Recovery offers family support as well.
Setbacks can happen in recovery. A lapse does not erase healing, and it is a good time to reach out to their care team if this ever happens.
Taking Care of Yourself
You can become a steadier shoulder to lean on when your own needs are met. A few places to start:
- Join an Al-Anon meeting, in person or online.
- See a therapist of your own, even for a few sessions.
- Call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). It is free, confidential, and open 24/7 in English and Spanish, and it can refer families to treatment and support groups.
- Protect your nutrition, sleep, and time with others who do not contribute to the drinking.
- If you are in crisis or thinking of hurting yourself, call or text 9-8-8 right away.
- If you feel you or your loved ones are in danger, call 9-1-1 right away.
Get Clarity On Your Loved One’s Options
Reaching out to us in advance can give you clarity on how treatment works for your loved one so that you have practical suggestions to offer whenever your loved one decides to take the next step. Positive changes begin with simple conversations.
Speak To Someone Who Understands
Frequently Asked Questions About How to Help an Alcoholic
1. What not to say to an alcoholic?
Avoid labels, confrontation, blaming, guilting, comparing, and threats. Focus on creating an open, supportive environment where they understand you are a safe person to speak to.
2. What can you do if an alcoholic refuses to get help?
You cannot force someone into treatment, but you still have options. Set boundaries you will keep, stop covering for their drinking, and learn CRAFT skills to raise treatment when they are sober and relaxed.
3. How do you talk to someone about drinking too much?
Pick a relaxed moment when they are sober, and you both have time. Use “I” statements, name specific things you have seen, and say you are worried rather than angry. Offer a concrete next step, such as helping them call a treatment provider.
4. How can I help my alcoholic son?
Begin with a private talk when he is sober, and tell him you are worried and want to help. Stop covering for his drinking, avoid lending money for drinking, and keep your boundaries consistent. Offer to help him find treatment and to sit with him during the first call.
5. Can I call a rehab on behalf of someone else?
Yes. You can call a treatment center to ask questions, learn how programs work, and plan next steps. Given the privacy laws, staff members cannot share information about your loved one without their consent, and they must agree to start treatment themselves.